Feelings and Star Wards
I was 12 years old when I went to
see Star Wars for the first time. It was Saturday June 25, 1977, a month after
the movie first came out. At that time, my family still lived in Daly City,
right by San Francisco. On a hot Saturday like that everyone was trying to get
away from the sun, and everyone was trying to see Star Wars. My dad and I got
to the theater at 1:25. By the time we
got our tickets and sat down for the 2 o’clock show, the only seats left were
the last two seats in the first row. I sat down next to this girl with her hair
rolled up in buns like Princess Leia. The movie started. As I watched, I
couldn’t stop thinking about how awesome Han Solo was. I also couldn’t help but
notice that the girl next to me was mouthing every line as they came. When it
was over and done, Death Star destroyed and everything, I was breathing almost
as heavy as Darth Vader. My dad patted me on the shoulder and we walked out.
“What’d
you think Ben?” he said.
“That
was awesome. I definitely wish I could fly the Millennium Falcon,” I said.
“Maybe
when you’re older,” he said jokingly.
We
walked back home and I sat on the porch. I pretended my left hand was the
Millennium Falcon.
“Hey.”
I
looked around and saw the girl with the Princess Leia hair on the sidewalk.
“It
was a good movie right?” she asked.
I
walked toward her, “Yeah, I liked it.”
“That’s
the sixth time I’ve seen it. I’ve gone to see it everyday this week pretty
much.”
My
jaw dropped. I’d never seen any movie more than once, and I’d never heard of
anyone got to see a movie more than three times. I said, “Everyday, that’s a
whole bunch of money.”
“Not
really. I mean I didn’t buy any food at the theater, or pay for lunch. Well, maybe
it is. I guess. But I’ve been saving up my allowance for something and I spent
some of it on that.”
“Wow.
I don’t get an allowance,” my voice sank when I said that. It was always
disappointing to hear that other kids got money to spend on what ever they
wanted without anyone watching. I said, “But I mean, if I really want something
my dad would probably get it for me. By the way, I’ve never seen you around
here, you live nearby?”
“I
live around the corner. My name’s Erin by the way. I just moved here from Los
Angeles three weeks ago. That white guy you were with, that’s your dad right?”
I
sighed to myself. “Yeah, that’s my dad. I am adopted. My name’s Ben. I bet
people never ask you if you’re parents are you parents.”
“No,
not really. It’s a little backwards actually. I’m living with my aunt and uncle
right now and people are like, ‘Where did you get that kid?’ I mean it’s not
exactly the same, but it’s sort of similar. Anyway, what kind of Asian are you?
Most of the people here are Filipino. You look a little different.”
“My
birth parents were Vietnamese.”
“Neat,
I’ve never met a Vietnamese person before.”
“And
you’re Filipino?” She looked Filipino, but she was a bit lighter skinned then
other people who lived in our neighborhood.
“Half,
my mom is Chinese. But both my dad, aunt and uncle are Filipino. Hey you want
to come over my house and play some basketball?”
“Sure,
I’ll go ask my mom.” I ran inside into the living room, my mom was sitting on
the couch watching one of her dramas. I waited for a commercial to come up. I
asked, “Hey ma, can I hang out with this kid I met who lives around the
corner?”
My
mom turned around. “You found someone to play with? That’s great. Be back in an
hour and half for dinner. Okay hun?”
“Yeah,
okay mom. Love you.”
I
ran back outside. We walked to Erin’s house, which was literally right around
the corner of Orange. She had a hoop attached to the top of her garage. Her
cousin, who was on active duty in the army at the time, put it up when he was
in high school. We played basketball and she talked about living in Los
Angeles. I told her about how my dad was an engineer and my mom use to be a
nurse. She told me her uncle worked for a marketing firm, and her aunt stayed
at home. I asked her about her parents, she said they still live in LA. We
talked about Star Wars. We pretended that we could use the force when we shot the basketball. We hung out and played
basketball until I had to go home for dinner. We waved good-bye and said we’ll
hang out again tomorrow.
We
hung out the next day, and the day after that, and the day after that, and the
day after that. We hung out pretty much everyday that summer. We hung out at
each others' houses and watched TV. We played basketball, soccer, and we raced.
When we weren’t doing that we would walk to the Lee’s Asian market and try out
the different kinds of tropical ice cream.
The
last day of summer vacation was August 21, 1977. We sat outside Lee’s. I
started drinking coconut juice out of a can, and Erin started eating her mango
ice cream.
“School
starts tomorrow. One more year and it’ll be high school,” I said.
“I
am not going to school here,” she said.
I
was a little confused. “What do you mean?”
“Well,
technically I should be going to high school this year, but I get home
schooled.”
“Wait.
How old are you?”
“I’m
turning 14 in December. I know I am scrawny right.”
“I
don’t know.” I didn’t really know what to say. I hadn’t guessed Erin was older
than me.
“You
know I’ve never really had any friends. I’ve been home schooled since I was
five. So I never really got to meet other people my age. ”
I
drank some juice. “You’ve never been to
school? What do you do all day then?” I scrunched my face. I sat there
awestruck that there was someone in the world who didn’t have to go to school.
“I
still do work.” She had a defensive tone about her. “I have to do all the same
stuff you would, I just do it at home. And they make me take a test every year
to see if I am on the level I am suppose to be. And I am going back to LA in a
week.” She almost dropped her ice cream.
“Oh.”
I paused, then I said, “Well that was fast, I feel like you only got here.”
She
started speaking in a calm voice, “Well I never told you why I came up here in
the first place. My mom and dad were getting divorced. So I moved up here with
my aunt while they got things worked out. They finished it up last week, so I
am going back. I am glad I met you though.”
“So
this is the last time week I’ll see you?” I asked.
“Maybe,
maybe not. I mean I might come to visit my aunt and uncle every so often. I
mean can write you. Or give you a call. I figure we can keep in touch.”
“Yeah,”
I said half-heartedly. We got up and walked back.
I
hung out with Erin everyday after school that week. I went with her aunt and
uncle to see her off at the train.
My
afternoons were duller after Erin left. It’s like I had a best friend, but just
for the summer. It was weird though. I’d been talking to her about different
places in the world, strange animals, outer space, and what we’d grow up to be,
but I never thought there was so much I didn’t know about her. I didn’t know
she was older than me; or why she was living with her aunt and uncle; or that
she’d been home schooled. Those all felt like really important things, but I
never asked or cared about them before she said anything. I wanted to be a good
friend to the people I’d meet and know the important things about them, so I
did my best to know the little things.
The
next time I heard from Erin was a letter a year and a half later. Her aunt was
waiting for me at my house when I rode in on my bike. She gave me a letter. I
ran inside my house to read it. It said she was going to regular high school
now and she was doing okay. She said she started reading X-Men among other comics. I wrote her back. I wrote about high
school and the new people I’ve met and how things for the most part are the
same. I’d never gotten into comics, but I wrote her that I’d check it out. I
got a letter from her every few months after that.
It
was May 9, 1980 when I got a letter from Erin that said she would be moving up
to Daly City with her mom in a week. I had no idea what she looked like now;
she never put a picture in any of her letters. It’d been almost three
years. I’d been writing to her all this
time and even though we were friends, well maybe because of it, I’d gotten this
crush on her. She was like the coolest girl I’d ever met. None of the girls in
my high school were into Star Wars, comic books, or music like she was.
A
week after I got the letter, after the last day of school, I sat outside my
house on the porch. I looked up into the afternoon sky thinking about her. When
I first met Erin I never thought I’d feel this way about her. I had nervous
feeling. I patted my hair to make sure it was strait. I pulled up my jeans to
make sure they wouldn’t fall. I tied my shoelaces tight and neat so that they
wouldn’t drag.
“Hey.”
I
looked around and saw Erin on the sidewalk. She was taller, and she had two
hair clips to keep her bangs out her face, and she was wearing a white and
yellow summer dress. Her black hair was shiny and I could see hear gleaming
brown eyes from where I was sitting. She had her hands behind her back swing
her shoulders. She looked like the girl I knew so long ago, but older. She was
16 now, I figure she’d have filled out a bit, but she was flat as a board. I
felt bad right after I thought that. It was a shallow thing to think.
“Hey
yourself.” I got up and walked over to her. “When’d you get here?”
“Sometime
around six this morning. Been napping the whole morning.”
“You
hungry?” I asked.
“Yeah
a little,” she said.
“Want
to go grab a burger at the diner on Carter Street?”
“Sure.”
We
walked to the dinner and sat down. She drank a milkshake and had herself some
fries. I ate a cheeseburger and drank a coke. She wouldn’t let me pay.
“My
mom’s out of a job. So she moved her looking for one.”
“Why
here though?”
“Well
we could crash with my aunt and uncle until we got settled so it was a good
idea. I mean we didn’t own our own place in LA.”
“Isn’t
your aunt your dad’s sister?”
“Yeah,
but she still thinks of my mom as family. I never told you this in my letters,
but my dad went to jail.”
“What
for?”
“Assault
and battery. He was drunk and he beat someone up.”
“Wow.”
I sipped on my Coke.
“You
know a new Star Wars movie is coming out next Wednesday.”
“Yeah
The Empire Strikes Back. I was
looking at the newspaper the other day. They said it was amazing. We should go
see it.”
“More
than once, but not six times.”
She
stuck her tongue out at me.
We
sat there talking and catching up until it got dark. We walked back to my house and parted ways.
After that we started hanging out everyday. We went to see Star Wars the
Wednesday it came out at a 2:15, the closest time we could find to when we
first actually met each other. I walked out of the theater feeling melancholy.
Erin came up behind me with her hand on her mouth breathing like Darth Vader
and said, “No, I am your father.”
I
laughed, then said, “ You make a decent Darth Vader.”
“Well
thank you,” she said.
We
walked down Carter Street and sat down on a bench on the sidewalk. We watched
the cars on the road for a bit.
I
said, “You know I really like you.”
“What
do you mean?” she looked at me with a puzzled face.
“I
mean I really like you.” I looked up for a bit then looked at her in the eyes.
“I’ve never met another girl as awesome or as cool as you.”
“Well
you’ve only been alive for 15 years. You might have another 75 to see all kinds
of girls,” she said playfully.
“Well
I guess I don’t know, I am not good at this. I guess something changed since we
were kids. I mean I would wait for your letters and it felt exciting to hear
from you. It makes me feel good to think about you, and it’s even better when I
am hanging out with you like this.”
“We’ve
only really gotten to hang out again for like the last five days.”
“I
know, but it’s been fun don’t you think?”
“Yeah.
I mean I like you too. But I feel like we like the idea of each other. We can’t
really know if we like each other if we only know each other from the letters
we’ve written each other and five days of hanging out,” she said quickly.
I
reached over her shoulder, she closed her eyes, and I kissed her. She kissed me
back. We broke it off and she opened her eyes.
I
said, “That’s the first time I’ve kissed a girl.”
She
hesitated, and then said, “That’s my first kiss too.”
We
got up held hands and walked to my house. Then we stood on my lawn and kissed
again and she walked back home. I felt like a million bucks. I walked into the
house and walked into the kitchen for a glass of water. I was my mom in the
hallway.
She
said, “Are you okay hun? You’re cheeks look kind of red?”
“I
am okay ma. It’s just a little hot.” I was flushed in the face and I couldn’t
help it.
I
ate dinner and went to bed.
The
next month was glorious. We saw The Empire Strikes Back two more times,
once with my dad. We went around town going to comic book shops, and eating,
and spending almost every minute with each other.
We
were sitting on my living room couch watching Scooby-Doo.
“You
know I don’t think this is working,” Erin said.
“What
do you mean?” I looked at her.
“I
mean what the heck are we doing. We sit here all day and do the same things.”
“It’s
fun though isn’t it? You’re having a good time right?”
“I
mean it’s the same as if we were just friends right?”
“Well
if you were just my friend I couldn’t kiss you or anything.”
“Well
yeah, but is that all there is to this relationship thing.”
“Well
I mean there is other stuff, but I figure it’d be a gradual thing.”
“I
don’t mean the physical part,” she scoffed at me. “I mean we know as much about
each other as we did a month ago.”
“What
else do we need to know? I mean we do lots of stuff together. I tell you
things, and you tell me stuff too,” I said defensively.
She
then got quiet for a moment. She looked up and stared me in the eyes, then
asked, “Would you llike me no matter what?”
“Yes.”
I didn’t even have to think about it.
“Even
if I lied to you.”
“What
are you getting at?” I sat up strait.
“If
I was a guy we wouldn’t get to hang out like we do now.”
“Yeah,
but you’re not a guy.”
“If
I was a guy would you still like me?”
“I
mean I can’t like a guy really. I mean if you were the same, but were a guy I’d
still be your friend.” I felt like this was going down a weird path. “Are you
trying to tell me something?”
“Promise
you won’t freak out.” I had a shiver go down my spine. Erin said, “My first
name is Donald. I was born a male, but I’ve felt like I should have been a girl
since I was 10 years old. That’s when I started cross-dressing. My dad started
calling me a fag and would beat me up for doing it. My mom wasn’t really
comfortable with what I was trying out. But it got bad enough and my mom wanted
it to stop. So she called the cops and she divorced my dad. That was the year I
met you. He’s been in jail since then. When I got back here, I was expecting
just to be your friend. I didn’t want it to have to go here, but I couldn’t
help myself. I just liked you too much. But it can’t get further than this,
because really we just like the idea of each other. I had it in my mind that
you might be okay with going out with me the way I am, but you want something
physical and I just can’t give you that. I still want to be your friend, and I
am sorry I lied to you.” She got up and walked slowly toward the door.
I just sat there and let her go. I
sat on that couch for about five minutes before I went up to my room. I opened
my door and slammed it shut. I screamed at the top of my lungs and picked up my
chair slammed it around the room and broke a lamp. I kicked the wall and hurt
my ankle on the desk. It took me a second, but I keeled over on the floor
moaning holding on my ankle. I was completely lost. The girl I’d been dreaming
up this entire time was just some cross-dressing freak. She, he, it, whatever,
was some fairy that wanted to screw with my head. I grabbed my comic books off
my shelf and ripped them up with my hands. I sat in the shreds of Uncanny X-Men panels thinking about what I’d
just done.
I thought I was more grown up than I
was. I’d have figured I’d have handled it differently. I mean I didn’t expect
that she’d be a guy, but she was still a she to me. Erin was great girl, but
I’d gotten it into my head that I’d end up bedding her at some point. I felt
shallow. I felt bad about the things I thought of her. She did lie to me
though. I didn’t know how to deal with that.
I avoided seeing her. I tried to go
around the alley behind the house when I would go out. I wouldn’t pick up the
phone and I told my mom to say I wasn’t home if anyone called. I’d ask my dad
to drive me places when he could, so that I’d have less of a chance of seeing
her while I walked. I wasn’t mad at her anymore. I was just really uncomfortable.
I had a hard time thinking back to my first kiss. I didn’t want to think about
it anymore.
I woke up one morning feeling some
kind of clarity. I was still bitter and uncomfortably awkward, but I felt like
I was okay. I got up, got dressed, and walked out of the house. I walked down
the porch and through the lawn and turn right at the sidewalk. I didn’t stride,
I just walked. I turned the corner around the giant wall hedges. I saw Erin
playing basketball with her cousin Mark. She cut her hair, but she still had
two clips to move the bangs out of her face. She had on a black shirt and
jeans. I felt uncomfortable that I was still attracted to her. I had a thought
in my head that said I might be gay, but I knew I wasn’t. I figure I might know
that.
“Hey,” I said.
She turned around, holding the
basketball.
“Hey Mark, I’ll be right back,” she
said. She tossed Mark the ball and Mark nodded. She walked up to the fence and
put her hands on it. “Hey. Didn’t think I’d see you again, thought I might have
scared you away.”
“Well I was scared away. I mean this
is kind of complicated.”
“It doesn’t have to be. I mean we
can put that behind us right? I still think of you as my best friend. This last
couple of week hasn’t been as much fun without you. I feel like it’d be nice if
we could go back to being together but that wouldn’t work out.”
“Yeah, it was better that you told
me then. It might have been worse later I suppose.”
“Well, want to play some
basketball?”
“Maybe, sure why not.”
And so I played basketball with
Erin. And it’s as if the girl I’d dreamt up was vanishing. It was still
awkward, but I figure that’s part of life.
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